Slowly Dying
by Kayla-NCIS-Gomez
Summary: Set during the whole Jeanne and Tony undercover fiasco. I know it's all dead and gone but I just cant let go, so this is for my kindred spirits who just need more. The whole angst and humor combination might throw you off, but just give it a chance, you'll get it. It's gonna catch on in no time.
1. Chapter 1

Tony wakes up with a groan, immediately feeling the crick in his neck. He's sitting up straight in his couch, his head resting on the head of the couch. 'I need to sleep in my bed sometime soon', he thinks, still halfway asleep. He finally opens his eyes, barely recognizing his surroundings. Then all of reality hits him. He is not Tony DiNozzo, he is Tony DiNardo. He is under cover, gaining the trust and heart of a woman he is scared he may have real feelings for. 'Oh yeah', he thinks, remembering now why he can't sleep peacefully anymore, if he sleeps at all. 'I don't deserve a bed' He lifts his head and blindly reaches for his phone and reads the time: 9:08 'fantastic, I'm late', he thinks, already imagining the Gibbs "death glare of death", appropriately named by himself and Abby, as well as the head slap that will undoubtedly start the workday.

The tell tale "Ding" of the elevator brings Ziva and McGee out of the torturous clutches of their stack of cold cases. An immaculately dressed but clearly disheveled and puffy eyed Tony walks into the bullpen, and immediately detects a pair of well trained eyes on him, as well as McGee's 'not so covert' assessments. Tony already has his suit armor on so he immediately sets his mask and goes for defense number one: funny Tony.

"I always suspected you both had a crush on me, but blatant stares are bound to get some unwanted attention from the others", he joked, with his trademark mega-watt grin and a wink.

He really didn't want to deal with them today. He only succeeded in shaking off McGee however, who just scoffed with a shake of the head and went back to his computer, doing Gibbs knows what. Tony takes a seat at his desk and waits for the inevitable questions.

"Good morning to you too, Tony", Ziva replies sarcastically, without missing a beat. "you're late", says McGee, being the one to point out the obvious, not looking up from his computer.

"Why thanks for that ground breaking discovery Mc-Obvious", Tony quips. McGee just gives him a look. Tony just shrugs his shoulders and points at him.

"Okay, I admit, that wasn't my best Mc-whatever-the-situation-warrants, but you should still know better", Tony says, sticking with humor as his armor for the day.

Ziva ignores his attempts at making McGee the center of attention, she was used to Tony's behavior by now, but he hasn't been himself lately, so she still watches him as he starts up his computer. Curiosity takes over soon enough though.

"Up late last night?", she asks him, watching carefully for his reaction. She of course, knows there is something to his disappearances and needs some kind of reassurance that he was not going to keel over and die right in front of her. 'There it is', he thinks.

"Actually Ziva, now that you mention it, my night was quite uneventful", Tony replies, purposely deflecting her question, never making eye contact. Ziva immediately catches the deflection.

"So, no details about your newest conquest?", Ziva quizzes, getting more concerned now. Frequent calls to the hospital and just as many sleepless nights was not uneventful to her. She also knew how Tony reacted to straight forward questions, so "Are you dying", was quite frankly, out of the question.

Choosing not to answer, he gives his full attention to his computer and checks his email, cutting off all conversation. Just when Ziva opened her mouth, fully intending to start her interrogation, Gibbs glides in, his trademark coffee in hand.

"Dead petty officer, gear up", Gibbs calls out, gear in hand.

"Saved by the Gibbs", Tony mutters to himself. The team immediately follows his lead. They all notice the absence of Tony's "on your 6 boss" and know something's definitely wrong. They all stand silently in the elevator. Gibbs takes a drink of his coffee and head slaps Tony simultaneously and simply says,"you're late". Just as the doors close, Tony frowns at McGee's earlier words just as McGee smirks.

Hey guys, I'm just going to beat the dead horse some more with an unneeded Jeanne story, if you don't mind. I just need to get some of this out and get a multi-chapter under my belt.


	2. Chapter 2

The ride to the crime scene is unusually quiet. The air is riddled with awkward silence that sends Gibbs, Ziva and McGee for a loop. Gibbs, for his part, drove at his usual gut lurching speed. The constant confused looks towards Tony from all three of them though, did nothing to ease the awkwardness.

Tony was just too tired to amuse them today. He silently looks out the window, not giving any kind of confirmation to make them believe he sees their questioning glances. He just wanted to get through the day, get home, and sleep. But deep down in his conscious he knew the truth. He was not going to sleep, not unless he was with Jeanne. He was too scared to do anything sexual. If he 'slept' with her, he wouldn't be able to deny his feelings anymore.

All he needed was to be with her, to be Tony DiNardo, a film teacher who doesn't have a worry in the world. If he could do that, forget about Tony DiNozzo for the night, he knew he could sleep. But how many nights will it take before Tony DiNozzo doesn't exist?

He was in too deep and he knew it, but he saw the director's face, the poorly masked need, the borderline obsession. She was desperate to get La Grenouille. He didn't know what La Grenouille did to her; he didn't even know why he was chosen to go under cover. All he did know, was that she thought he could do it. After everything that happened when Gibbs QUIT, he liked the trust, the complete faith that he knew what he was doing.

'God knows I had enough distrust and second guessing from Ziva and McGee', he thinks. He would usually say 'Gibbs knows', instead of God, but the truth was, he barely knows the teams names. He called Ziva, Kate the other day. They all continued to ignore it, though. He was still Gibbs. Any Gibbs is better than Tony right? At least that's how Ziva and McGee see it. Even Abby, the girl he thought of as a sister, the girl he constantly consoled and gave a shoulder to cry on because of Gibbs abandoning them, has barely spoken to him. She doesn't have time for him, the almighty freaken Gibbs was back. The reason for her pain came back, the reason she stayed sane, tossed aside, and she couldn't be happier.

It was nice to have Jenny in his corner. Someone who believed in him, and actually cared enough to try and see past the mask; his signature playboy jokester front. It was that thought that allowed him to get the small amounts of sleep he got. It also seemed his corner consisted of Ducky. He was cast aside by Gibbs, his best friend, who he knew longer than any of us, just the same. Tony also knew that Jimmy would stand by him, like he had been doing throughout it all. He consoled Tony after he got through his day, which always consisted of ridicule and constant questioning from Ziva and McGee and consoling both Abby, and Ducky. Black Lung kept him sane when no one else cared. He was Tony's confident, his only real friend in the world.

Tony was pulled out of his thoughts as he heard three car doors close shut. They had arrived at the crime scene, and that team was already out of the car, and waiting for him. He sighs and exits the car. They all gave him quizzical glances, then getting no response as he finally comes to join them, Ziva and McGee turned to Gibbs. Gibbs immediately looks away from Tony and gives his directions.

"David-DiNozzo, sketch and shoot. McGee-bag and tag. I'll take witness statements", Gibbs orders. As he finishes, he sees that Tony had already begun to take witness statements.

"DiNozzo!", he yells.

Tony sighs and says, "So I guess I should stop now, in the middle of an interview, because you want to do it", he says turning around, looking Gibbs square in the eyes.

"Seriously?", he asks, opening his palms out to Gibbs. Gibbs then marches over and head slaps him, getting close up to Tony's face. Ziva and McGee silently watch the exchange, not believing how Tony is acting and waiting for Gibb's next move.

"Next time, you wait for my instructions", Gibbs growls out. Tony just shakes his head, unaffected by his glare and close range intimidation, and walks to the truck getting his camera.

"At least he remembers my name", he mumbles when Gibbs turns his back, unaware that Gibbs hears him.

"Something you want to say to my face DiNozzo?", Gibbs calls out to a now photographing Tony.

"Naw, I'm just doing the work you assigned me, while you stand and watch; not doing what I could have finished by now, if you had let me", Tony replies, not even pausing his picture taking. Ziva and McGee still stand stunned, watching Tony and Gibb's every move.

"Are you two just going to stand there all day or are you going to start doing your jobs?", Gibbs yells out to Ziva and McGee, snapping them out of their trance.

"Yes boss!", they reply simultaneously, Ziva beginning to sketch, and McGee bagging ant tagging the evidence already marked and photographed by Tony.

"This is going to be one hell-of-a-day", Tony mumbles to himself, no longer caring who hears him.


	3. Chapter 3

Gibbs sits silently fuming like the strong and silent marine he is. Needless to say, it was getting on Tony's nerves. He might have actually enjoyed the silence and absence of a stinging pain in the back his head, if it wasn't for Gibb's constant glaring, that hadn't lessoned a fraction since they arrived back at the bullpen. Tony knew he went too far with his defiance, but he needed to take his frustration out on something… or someone…

"Hey elf loooooooord", calls Tony, purposely stretching it out just to annoy him. 'I'm not going to give in; I won't give him the satisfaction', McGee promises himself.

"Here probie, here boy probieee", Tony drawls, clapping his hands as if beckoning a dog. McGee grinds his teeth, even more determined now to not let Tony win.

"McGoo!", Tony yells, then whistles. "Come here boy", McGee has closed his eyes by now. He is trying to ground himself by grabbing the corners of his desk. 'why?why?why?', he repeats as a mantra. Tony takes a large, dramatic breath.

McGee's knuckles start to turn white as his face redens. " . Probilicious. Probie Wan Kenobi. McGeek. McGoogle. McGullible. McGiggles. McGnome. McGoblin. McGyver. McGemcity. McFlower power. McFreaky. McNerd. McProbious. McMuse. McRomeo. McSneaky. McTardy. McScout. McGPS. McMother board. McRanger Rick. McSrooge. McThird-Wheel. McEgg head. McCranky. McBitter. McLonely. McRib. McJagger. McLovin…",

"STOP!", Ziva yells, surprisingly the first one to break. McGee lets out a breath, and his face turns back to its normal sickly gray color.

"You are driving me up the door!", Ziva continues. Tony bites his cheek to stop himself from smirking at the sexual connotation, and decides against hiding it. He wants to take it out on someone after all.

"Its wall Ziva, driving me up the wall", Tony replies, releasing his smirk for all to see. He looks around at his fuming Co-Workers, and just as it looks as though they are all going to jump over their desks and wring his neck, his phone rings. He pulls it out from pocket, as all three watch his every move. He opens it and: wrong phone. He frowns, 'whoopsie.' He then pulls out the private phone the director recommended he use only for Jeanne. He quickly stands up and runs behind the stairs.

"Hello doctor", he greets into the phone. He hears a tired chuckle at the other end. He gets concerned despite his better judgment.

"Hi Tony, you seem to be having a better day than me", she replies lightheartedly, but he knows something is weighing her down.

"Well, I'll tell you what", he replies, wanting to cheer her up, for reasons he doesn't want to dwell on.

"What?", She asks, genuinely curious.

"I'll pick you up as soon as your shift ends, and we can have a romantic dinner Ala Tony, and a movie while you tell me why you had such a bad day", he answers, already mapping out the menu, wine and movie.

She sighs, "I would love to Tony, I'm getting off at 8 o'clock. Now what did I ever do to deserve you" He winces at that, because he knows she deserves so much better.

"Sounds good to me, I'll see you at eight o'clock sharp. Bye", he replies smoothly, despite his unsettling thoughts.

"Bye. See you then", she farewells, then hangs up. He sighs, closing his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Only when he opens his eyes and turns around does he see Gibbs, Ziva and McGee standing at the foot of the stairs. They look comfortable, and he is forced to wonder if they followed him, standing there the entire time, just waiting for him to notice them.

"Girlfriend?", Ziva and McGee asks simultaneously. He swears they rehearsed it. He then realizes he's still holding his phone to his ear, and quickly snaps it shut and promptly shoves it down his pocket. He sticks his tongue out at them but doesn't reply.

"This case is going to last far past eight o'clock, DiNozzo", Gibbs says, evenly, though Tony can tell he's smirking on the inside, shoving a big NO down his throat. He's practically drunk with the power of his personal say so. He decides if you go home or not. 'Think again', Tony thinks, shoving past them to jog up the stairs.

"Now where do you think you're going?", Gibbs growls. He follows Tony up the steps, taking two at a time. Tony walks through the doorway to Cynthia's desk. He leans forward over the desk and whispers in her ear.

"Gibbs block alert", he informs her, with a small smile. He straightens up, walks over to the director's door and does the secret knock they agreed on. Exactly four seconds later, the door opens, lets Tony in, and shuts. Gibbs huffs, and makes a start for the door. Cynthia immediately puts an electronic lock on the door, jumps up and puts her body between Gibbs and the door.

"I can't let you in there agent Gibbs", Cynthia states, her voice steady, despite the fact that she's almost quaking in her boots literally.

"Why is that Cynthia", he says through gritted teeth, spitting out her name like acid.

"Umm… the director told me not to let you in", Cynthia manages; her body now pressing as far back into the door as possible.

"Well then, can you at least tell me why my agent and the director are suddenly best, secret knock, buddies?", he asks, anger evident in his tone, as well as what Cynthia believed to be jealousy.

She blinks. This is not good. Gibbs thinks Tony and Jenny are together, oh my god. She then finds that she's wondering the same thing. They've been getting together in her office regularly, after Gibb's…. retirement. Could they? No, they wouldn't do it here, right? She's pulled out of her thoughts suddenly, by Gibbs, as he starts pacing in front of her. She wonders if this is an interrogation technique.

"What are they doing in there?", Gibbs asks, he doesn't know if he really wants the truth to his question or not.

She feels herself blushing at the sudden thought of Tony and the director together doing what she thinks they're doing, in the her office of all places. She has always had a crush on Tony, but honestly, who hasn't? As Gibbs's face quickly turns to one of fury, she suddenly realizes what ideas he might get from her blushing. 'Uh oh', she thinks. Not a good move at all, Cynthia.

"No nononono", she quickly blurts out, waving her hands, trying desperately to get the idea out of his mind.

"I'm sure it's nothing like that", she squeaks, this is not going too well. Why did she have to guard the door?

"How sure", Gibbs snarls, ready to tear Tony a new one for… he stops that train of thought. What is Tony doing wrong? He knows what he's doing wrong of course; wasting government money by having sex on the clock. The real question was; why was he so mad? He and Jenny are done. They've been done for a long time… right?

….

See, longer chapter, as requested. Let me know if you guys want more Jibbs or Jony. I'm not much of a ship writer, but it's getting mighty tempting. Who knows, there may even be Tiva. I'll take any requests and feedback.


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile, in the Director's office…

…..

"Four seconds flat; that's a new record madam director", Tony says as he walks into the office, looking at his wrist watch. He then smirks at her reaction to being called "madam director".

"I heard Gibbs shouting on the stairs through my door, Tony", she states, giving him a little smirk of her own. They share a brief smile over Gibb's antics before cracking down to business.

"Speaking of Gibbs, he wants to keep me after 8 o'clock, and I… umm… have a special date…", Tony begins, before getting cut off by the director.

"Consider it done", she immediately states. After all, she is Gibb's superior, and his agents are just as much, if not more, her agents as well.

"Gibbs is not going to be happy…", Tony begins again.

"Gibbs is never happy. And before you ask again Tony, No, Gibbs cannot be read into this mission", Jenny intercepts. Then she sighs and says, "This is need to know, and Gibbs, doesn't", she finishes, already anticipating his next words. They have gotten very close in the last months. How well they know each other was getting a little scary, in her opinion.

"The team is getting suspicious of my 10 dentist appointments this month, Jen", Tony replies, determined to finish a sentence that she can't foresee.

"The team does not need to know either", Jenny says warily, they've had this conversation many a times before.

"They are going to find out sooner or later", Tony states, shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands, in an unmistakable, "what are you going to do" gesture. He hates lying to his team, no matter what they did to him, they shouldn't have to doubt him having their six's. He can't be reached by the team when he's undercover, no matter what.

"Then for Gods sake, come up with better excuses!", Jenny tells him, angry at herself for not being able to come up with anything herself.

"You know as well as I do, that Gibbs will see past everything", Tony replies, knowing exactly what she's thinking and confirming that they need to come up with a plan. For a few minutes they both stand up and pace around her office, trying to think of a course of action. As a last resort, do or die idea, Tony suggests his plan.

"We could just say that I'm helping you with something personal, and that no one should ask about it", Tony voices his only half plausible plan.

Him and Jenny sit back down on the couch, looking at each other for a minute. It was true that this operation, actually was personal to her. If he told this to Gibbs, he wouldn't detect a lie. That's what Tony was planning on.

"If you think It has a chance at working, go for it", Jenny permits. She gets up off the couch to go behind her desk. Tony follows her lead and gets up as well.

"Good meeting, until next time", Tony says, with a wink. 'Look at me, getting my funny mask on early'

"See you later, Tony. Stay safe", Jenny farewells, giving him a small wave before putting on her glasses. She picks out a random folder from the stacks on her desk and opens it.

"Nice doing business with you, Jen", Tony says, closing the door to her office. It's when he does this, that he turns around and runs right into Gibbs.

"Oh, hey boss…", Tony starts, trying to start explaining everything that he and Jenny had just agreed on.

"Did you just call the director Jen?", Gibbs asks, fury creeping into his voice. It's at this point where Tony realizes that his survival depends on how well he answers.

Weird that he didn't even ask about his previous, very questionable actions, but what he calls the director. Interesting…

"That is her name, isn't it?", Tony retorts, instantly regretting it. Gibb's face starts to show of his inner Gibbs demons, and Tony starts to step back.

"Just how close, did you and the director get while I was gone", Gibbs asks, his attempt at a smile coming out as a snarl as he gestures with his head towards the director's door.

"Well, I've been working on something personal for her, and she would like to keep it private", Tony says, deflecting his question. It wasn't an actual question, but Tony's reaction to it definitely means something.

"Really?", Gibbs asks, stepping towards Tony, his eyes boring into Tony's, Tony holds his ground though.

"Yes, she requested I not tell you especially", Tony tells him, hoping the hurt tactic that Jenny trusts him with her secrets more than Gibbs, will stop the questioning.

It seems to work, when Gibb's glare falters, and he makes a quick glance to the director's door. Tony gets uncomfortable though, when Gibbs gaze comes back to rest on him then back to the directors door a few times. It's during this time, that Tony realizes that Cynthia isn't here, guarding the door like she is supposed to.

Then he wonders, 'If Cynthia isn't here, why didn't Gibbs come in?' 'Did he listen through the door?' 'Is he going to kill me now?' This all goes through Tony's mind during Gibb's evaluation of his face and the directors door.

"Get back to work", Gibbs growls to Tony, now not breaking his gaze at the director's door.

"Yes boss", Tony answers, even though Gibbs isn't paying him any attention. 'I wonder why he let me live'

He doesn't have much time to dwell on it, before he sees Ziva and McGee standing like obedient little puppies at the foot of the stairs, right where Gibbs left them.

'Did I used to look like that?', Tony wonders. He then comes to the conclusion that he probably looked even worse, and that he's so glad those days are over.

…..

Should Gibbs confront Jenny? Should the team somehow discover his secret some other way than the car bomb? Right now I'm pondering some one-sided Tiva. Should I give Ziva her own chapter? Let me know what you guys think.


	5. Chapter 5

_REDO... TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK._

Back outside the Director's office…

….

Leroy Jethro Gibbs is not the jealous type. At least that's what he tells himself. Now, standing outside his former lover's office, Gibbs feels uncharacteristically lost.

Sometimes that's all he feels. Lost. It feels like just months ago that his wife and daughter were taken away from him. He's still buried in grief, sometimes getting stuck in the past. Memories eat away at him, never fully revealing them selves. Only short scenes of what seems like someone else's life.

His mind grasps at little snapshots of gruesome scenes and intimate moments with a main group of people. Only when the images stop bombarding him, does he connect the faces to names. Sometimes, albeit rarely; he can connect them with information. He then gets a real memory, a fragmented story that he has to fit into a timeline of fifteen years.

The best part though, he thinks, is that the clearest memories are the traumatizing ones. He chuckles darkly to himself.

His memory timeline goes from Tony on his deathbed with the plague to Tony getting blown up. He also knows that he trusts and cares deeply for the apparent idiot. He hasn't been able to find out why though. His mind then jumps to Kate getting shot through the forehead. He explodes into grief again. He knows he had feelings for her, how deep they were, he doesn't focus on.

Next is a man pointing a gun at him, then getting shot in the forehead as well. He then remembers that his name is Ari, and that he murdered Kate. He then remembers that he was shot by his own sister, who he for some reason, then hired. Ziva, her name is Ziva, and he didn't hire her, Jenny did.

His mind is then finally focused on his main situation. Flashes of intimacy between them in a different country flash through his mind. His past feelings for her then become very present. He is then reminded of the current situation, and what just transpired seconds ago, but feels like years.

Tony, his incompetent, screw up of an agent, was just in his Jens office for half an hour. While he was standing outside the door, slowly glaring down Cynthia until she backed out of the door, Jen and Tony were just feet away, doing god knows what.

"Nice doing business with you, Jen," repeats over and over again through his mind. Anger flashes through his eyes as his baby blues turn cobalt. Only he can call her Jen. With that thought, he finally breaks out of the confines of his own mind and starts for the door.

….

Meanwhile, in the Bullpen…

Tony leisurely steps down the stairs, waiting for his ever growingly annoying co-worker's questions. He doesn't have to wait long.

"Where's Gibbs," asks McGee, his eyes going to the direction of the director's office. Tony just gives him a look in response to the stupid question, and continues on to his desk.

They both follow him, hungrily seeking answers. He sits down as McGee and Ziva stand in front of his desk as a team, interrogation style. Ziva decides to take a different approach than McGee.

"Surely you did not expect the director to give you the night off for a… date, yes?," Ziva asks, knowing full well he has a date because she was eavesdropping. She gives him an incredulous look.

Tony lifts an eyebrow at her, stands, and leans over his desk. She lifts her eyebrow in turn and walks around the desk, to his right side. He turns to meet her. They stand facing each other, their eyes challenging.

McGee stands stock still, never knowing what to do when they do this.

"I'll just go… get a… Nutterbutter…," McGee states awkwardly. He gets no response from the two. He then quickly speed walks to the elevator, trying not to look like he's fleeing a crime scene.

Tony's eyes flick to McGee's retreating form briefly then settle back on Ziva.

"Jenny and I, have an understanding," Tony states, his voice husky, hoping for some kind of rise.

"What kind of understanding would that be?," she questions, her voice just as husky, though not by her own will.

Only after she responds do his words really sink in. An understanding? Since when do directors of federal agencies give agents personal time off at the drop of a nickel? Did he also just call the director Jenny? A cold feeling settles over her heart. She then feels the familiar emotion she never even knew existed before he came into her life:

Jealousy.

"That's for me to know, and you to wonder," he states tauntingly. She doesn't seem to understand ,though, that he is just pushing her buttons.

He then slowly pulls away from her gaze, opting to sit down and start an overdue case report.

She then finds herself in one of those decreasingly rare moments when a certain special agent confuses her to no end.


End file.
